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		<header>
			<h1>Back to normal</h1>
			<p>Day 00814: <time>Monday, 2017 May 29</time></p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		Today, I stuck my feet under my mattress.
		That made doing sit-ups so much easier.
		I considered doing double, but I&apos;m not ready to commit to that yet.
		Maybe once I build up more strength in my abdomen.
	</p>
	<p>
		I told all my coworkers they could keep calling me by my birth name for ease.
		However, none of them are doing that.
		They&apos;re all trying to call me Alex, though they often forget.
		When they correct themselves and apologise, I of course say &quot;either way&quot;.
		Today though, I heard an amusing exchange.
		The head manager asked a fellow employee &quot;Will you cover <span class="redacted">[REDACTED]</span>&apos;s break?&quot;.
		They replied &quot;You mean Alex? I don&apos;t know any <span class="redacted">[REDACTED]</span>.&quot;.
	</p>
	<p>
		Some of my coworkers are planning what they&apos;re describing as a mutiny.
		Basically, our head manger doesn&apos;t always act as they should.
		I won&apos;t get into details about exactly what the problems are, but some of these things are illegal and for good reason.
		My coworkers want to get the head manager fired and get the store shut down long enough to get the problems fixed.
		I cannot side with the head manager.
		There are big problems, the head manager knows about them, and yet nothing is done about them.
		We&apos;e simply expected to keep them a secret.
		However, if the store is shut down ... how long will I be out of a job?
		I don&apos;t know how long the store will be out of service and I don&apos;t know how long it&apos;ll take to find another job.
		This threatens to cost me everything I have; if I can&apos;t pay rent, what can I do?
		I&apos;ll be desperate, and have to take whatever job I can find.
		That likely means finding another fast food job.
		I&apos;m told one shouldn&apos;t quit a job within six months because it&apos;ll look bad when trying to get future jobs.
		That means I&apos;ll be stuck in fast food for a minimum of another six months.
		The store needs to be fixed, and only the head manager can fix it.
		If they won&apos;t fix it, and they won&apos;t, the only way the store will be cleaned up is if the head manager is removed.
		But can I actually act so far against my best interests?
		In a way, I also have a good thing going here.
		One illegal thing done here is terrible.
		But another is in my best interest.
		It&apos;s not a perk I&apos;ll ever get anywhere else.
		However, this added benefit illegally given to employees is going to be one of the things held against the head manager.
		I&apos;m at a loss as to what to do.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="dreams">
	<h2>Dream journal</h2>
	<p>
		Last night, I dreamed I was in some sort of hybrid store with my mother and three siblings.
		This store sold second-hand goods, but also food items.
		I found a bed frame that looked remarkably like my old one.
		It was eleven dollars though, and I was reluctant to pay that much.
		Had the frame been for a full-sized bed, I would&apos;ve gotten it, but I was reluctant to buy a twin-sized frame for that much, as I might later find the full-sized frame I need.
		I considered switching back to using my twin-sized bed just to make use of this frame, but eventually opted against the idea.
		With the frame, I could stash bins under my bed for storage, which isn&apos;t currently possible with my mattress directly on the floor.
		I also thought about how much of a pain the frame would be to transport via bike, as I had taken my bike to get here.
	</p>
	<p>
		I was talking with someone, I forget who, and my mother asked from across the way if I needed a mirror.
		I thought they had overheard what we were discussing, and thought that it would be useful for me to borrow a compact or something.
		I wasn&apos;t sure how a mirror related to the conversation at the time, though I now don&apos;t even remember what the conversation was about.
		It turned out that&apos;s not what my mother meant at all.
		My mother had found a large, round, ornate-framed, wall mirror and wondered if I could use it in my apartment.
		Normally, my home in dreams doesn&apos;t match my actual home, with few exceptions.
		It&apos;s been that way for a long time, though I don&apos;t think it was the case when I lived in my childhood home on H Street.
		It was only once we moved that my brain could no longer picture my actual home as being my home in dreams.
		However, in this dream, when I thought about if I had a use for the mirror, I thought about my real-world home.
		I thought about both my bedroom and my bathroom, the only places I&apos;d likely want a mirror.
		Both have large mirrors built in, so I declined.
		I also thought of the pain in trying to move this mirror by bike.
		It seemed to great a risk that I&apos;d break it.
	</p>
	<p>
		I found a small, metal pig in a freezer/refrigerator.
		This freezer/refrigerator was industrial sized, bigger than the ones you&apos;d find in for displaying food in a real-world grocery store, but used for displaying food in this dream-world store.
		As expected, the doors were made from glass as to let customers see what was inside.
		As for the pig, I thought it was supposed to be some sort of pepper grinder, but I couldn&apos;t for the life of me figure out how it was supposed to work.
		It was so tiny, there was no place to put peppercorns in.
		There was a turnable piece on the side to use for doing the grinding, but without a way to put anything in, it was useless.
		If you turned the gears quickly, the pig belched a cloud of black pepper dust; it was a used grinder and still had pepper dust within it.
		I was going to show my mother, joking that it was a dragon/pig hybrid, but I never got the chance.
	</p>
	<p>
		Vivian told me they have attractions toward people of both sexes, but would only choose a partner of the opposite sex because our mother&apos;s so judgemental.
		They would rather rule out half the population than risk losing their relationship with our mother.
		In the real world though, I don&apos;t think our mother would cut ties with Vivian for having a same-sex partner.
		My mother would almost certainly be a bit disappointed (because my mother probably still holds onto the slim possibility of biological grandchildren), but they also understand that sexual orientation isn&apos;t a choice.
		However, Vivian is a vegetarian, and had to hide that by eating meat whenever visiting our mother, and our mother did freak out when they found out.
		The story behind that one is odd.
		My mother wouldn&apos;t allow Vivian to become vegetarian as long as they lived together.
		Because of that, our mother thought they&apos;d somehow stopped out Vivian&apos;s desire not to eat meat.
		The logical assumption though, and what really happened, was that Vivian wasn&apos;t able to become a vegetarian until they moved out, but as soon as they moved out, they quit eating meat at home.
		Our mother somehow didn&apos;t see that this was the only logical thing that could happen.
	</p>
	<p>
		I forget what food item it was, but there were two versions of it in this store.
		One was white and didn&apos;t have any cheese.
		The other was an orangey-yellow and did.
		I forget who, but someone went and got me one thinking I&apos;d want it, but they got the version with the cheese, the option I can&apos;t eat.
		I went and put it back, though I didn&apos;t grab the cheeseless version.
	</p>
	<p>
		I&apos;m not sure what service was offered, but a bunch of desks were lined up as one isle of this store.
		The service-providers had gone home though, as they only made their services available during an earlier part of the day.
		My mother jacked a piece of printer paper and borrowed a pen from one of the desks to write something down, but I&apos;m not sure what.
	</p>
	<p>
		I discussed yesterday how I&apos;m no longer having nightmares about my mother.
		I also haven&apos;t been dreaming about my mother at all, until this dream.
		However, I think this dream further indicates that my mother&apos;s terrifying grip on my mind has faded.
		My brain simulated a day with my mother and it was nothing more than a stress-free shopping trip.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		Today, I feel much more grounded than before.
		I feel like me.
		All sexual thoughts and preferences seem to have been washed away.
		It&apos;s very nice.
	</p>
	<p>
		I sort of wonder if these strange flare-ups are how my father experiences sexuality, though I doubt I&apos;ll ever ask.
		If that&apos;s the case, it would account for my father&apos;s alleged lack of sexual desire, while also accounting for my father&apos;s sexual orientation.
		My father&apos;s a Mormon last I knew, and was raised as such.
		My father would&apos;ve believed themself to be heterosexual because it&apos;s the only option, up until the point the occasional sexual flare-ups began.
		At that point, they&apos;d be fine with them because they matched their heterosexual view of themself.
		On the other hand, I view myself as asexual.
		Any sort of flare-up of sexuality is going to contradict my view of myself, and therefore either cause distress (as it has been doing) or require a redefinition of how I see myself.
		If I didn&apos;t view sexuality as such a negative thing, a redefinition would be feasible, but instead, I will fight this tooth and nail if I have to.
		I don&apos;t <strong>*want*</strong> to be sexual.
		I want to remain as asexual as I&apos;ve always been.
		I&apos;m over twenty-seven years old now.
		If I was going to become a sexual being, it should&apos;ve happened already; that is to say, I shouldn&apos;t be required to become sexual now, given that I haven&apos;t been up to this point.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="docmod">
	<h2>Document modifications</h2>
	<p>
		On <a href="/en/weblog/2018/01-January/16.xhtml#Vivian">2018-01-16</a>, my sister, Vivian, requested that I replace all instances of her legal name in my journal with the name &quot;Vivian&quot;.
		She also asked that the name of the organisation she works for be redacted.
		This page was modified to fulfil that request.
	</p>
</section>
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			Copyright © 2017 Alex Yst;
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			If for some reason you would prefer to modify and/or distribute this document under other free copyleft terms, please ask me via email.
			My address is in the source comments near the top of this document.
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